The Insanity Matrix
I want to change. Oh, how desperately I yearn to become anew, but I do not know where to begin to shed my skin & metamorphosize. How may I transform beyond my limitations? Am I forever to be the symptom of illness, plagued by restriction to life and to living?
Nothing changes if nothing changes. The definition of insanity may be to expect different results from the same outcomes; however, what does it mean to continually receive the same results from variously different outcomes, or actions? Well, it may stand to reason that this may be considered as the Insanity Matrix, or at least I believe so. We are all well aware of the construct of the matrix to bend reality and to shift the laws of nature. That is the problem, you see dear reader, the game isn't being played fairly and I want out. I said it, I want out. I'm still searching, for no one has offered me the red pill nor a blue one at that, and I cannot find a means of escape. How does one begin to change when all change thus far has yielded the same ending: illness?
Stuck Within the Chronic Cycle
Over three years ago, I scraped up the little remains of my life and moved back home. The college experience I long waited for, was not much of an experience at all (more of a disappointment on top of the pile really). Upon my graduation, after years of questions and even less helpful answers, I [finally] received a diagnosis: a paper file with a fleet of problems. Not that I needed any official document to prove something was wrong, the months to years of progressing illness spoke volumes enough, yet seeing in writing just how much of a mess my health (and ultimately my life at the time) was, smacked me square in the face. It was practically as if the stamp declared, "you have 99 problems and you're number one."
Over three years in running, I have been slowly undergoing one treatment or another, but nothing seems to stick. If anything, as my mother (with love behind the reality check) and the doctor tend to remind me, I may be worse off than when I started. So, I suppose I am digressing... With a lack of options on the horizon, I agreed to try each various pill, tincture, syrup, or treatment (to an extent) and my body has rejected it all. I can hardly blame them; none of this feels natural, then again being sick with nothing [positively] changing when changing everything hardly is natural itself. So, I pose the question again: how does one break the chronic cycle and escape the Insanity Matrix if one does not know how to create change for change?
I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take, being stuck in an endless loop of hope and disappointment, of suffering and loss. Loss... My soul aches to live again for I truly believe if I had my health, then I could achieve anything my heart desires. As a child, I had a plethora of ideas and adventures for a fulfilling life, yet they all centered around one theme: I just want to help, to be the good I want to see, to feel, in the world. As the cliche goes, "you cannot help others until you help yourself first," but what if I simply can't? I need help to help myself, yet all help and change has proven to cause more damage and I am stuck; stuck in this matrix with my ramblings. Yes, I am rambling, for I do not know what to say or do. All I know is that things need to change, so how do I embody the change I want to see in my world?
All my life I have followed one path after another, only to arrive back to the original crossroads. I question who I am when disease has stripped me of everything I once was and could ever be. Memories of before are hazy, and memories since bleed together. And perhaps I am wallowing a bit, as I have a right to mourn the loss of myself. Yet, despite it all, I am still here, writing to you, dear reader. I cannot begin to unravel why, but I am simply because I must. So, I suppose this all boils down to hope, and maybe a sprinkle of optimistic stubbornness; a hope for change and to fully live again. I may never be able to return to who I once was, but perhaps I could be reborn again anew. How do I set myself aflame so I may rise again from the ashes of my past? Do you believe it possible to escape the Insanity Matrix on the wings of hope alone? Well, I suppose all there is left to do is to keep trying and to keep holding onto the embers of hope, for I believe in the end that hope will be everything of who I am. Call me crazy, but I choose to live for the hope of it all, and in a way, I do get to live again, fully within that hope.
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