Remembering Who You Are

It's natural to become lost at times, so long as you find your way back home to who you truly are.

Feeling Stuck or Lost: Reflection

I don't know about you but when I was a kid, I never wanted to grow up and become an adult. Well, at least not like the ones I had seen. Sure, we've all experienced "Peter Pan Syndrome," but to me adulthood seemed to turn people into sad, frustrated beings going through life in a daze. They appeared so unhappy, yet they settled into the uncomfortable known, as if they would choose their unhappiness. Younger me swore I would never settle, that I would rather try new things and push past comfort zones if that meant living fully and happily. Since I left Neverland for the adult world, I now realize that 'settling' is a more complicated matter (for the most part) than deliberately choosing to stay in discontentment. I would also say it is often much easier to become lost, and perceivably stuck, than it is to find yourself again; although, they are both tended to by time.

As my previous stories have explained in one form or another, I have been stuck, struggling, and a bit lost now for quite some time. This wasn't something I chose for myself, not really, but somewhere I fell into slowly, piece by piece. As much as I feel in so little control over my life and my health at the moment, I still have made small decisions and actions that collectively have led me to where, and who, I am today. We all have a miniscule amount of control when we truly think about it, and this may come to you as a comfort or a frustration, but we were never meant to be in control over anything other than ourselves. Yes, I was angry at the notion as well, arguing it at the seams on both the grand, collective scale and on the smaller, more personal note (and I still find I must consistently remind myself of this notion, especially when I may have the best intentions, but it is none the less not my place to interfere).

With such a lack of choice or control, even (or I should say especially) concerning lack over my own health, everything perceptively muddled together and I lost sight of the bigger picture. When it all comes down to it, perspective is the key, but that leads to another story for another time. By this point, you may be reflecting upon your own obstacles or demons, as we all have our own, or you may simply be thinking about the greater picture of your own life. Perhaps you are content in your life now, but I'm sure you've been a bit lost or stuck yourself at some point or another, as well all have and will inevitably be for I believe the most potent growth comes from the soils of our pain or plights. Either way, this story is for you; a story to reconnect to yourself.

Remembrance of Self

Of course, the hypocrisy of me giving advice in this manner has dawned on me, thank you very much. To be fair, this isn't a "one and done" to-do list, but an ongoing process. We all evolve and change as people, and so does the world around us along with our beliefs, values, and dreams/goals. Thus, the need to keep coming back to yourself and rediscovering who you are. I am a completely different person now than I was five or so years ago, and in a sense, I am the same. It's as if meeting a new, different version of myself where my character hasn't changed much, but I've gained more richer experiences and have grown more into myself. It is true what they say, "life shapes us," but I don't think it can change what's in our hearts of hearts, not if the seed isn't already there.

Maybe it's not about becoming who you want to be but rather remembering and growing into who you are. As is customary of the Homegrown Roots blog, here are my quick suggestions and general advice to help you along your journey:

1. Nostalgia: reconnecting with your childhood [self]

   1. More often than not, connecting to who you are begins by revisiting who you used to be. Although we have grown and changed as individuals, many of our core values (and our character in general) were planted seeds as children. Sometimes we forget the passions and joys we once fostered at a young age because the demands of adulthood can be overwhelming, thus overshadowing of our dreams. By diving into memory lane, you may be surprised by how a part of you may have still held onto those passions without even knowing it. Or you may revisit those passions and rekindle an old love all over again.

   
   

2. Disconnect to reconnect

   1. Reduce all of the external stimulation to be able to hear yourself more clearly. In the beginning, your head may be a jumbled mix of chaotic thoughts that may be unsettling or uncomfortable. Take it slow in the beginning, it will get easier with time and I promise it will be worth it (plus, you will find it surprising how much people utilize technology as a constant crutch to free time or boredom, and eventually, you will prefer the space to your own thoughts and the quiet time to rest your mind over aimless stimulation). It is no wonder we have no idea what we want, or even who we are, if we never have the space to truly be with ourselves and our own thoughts. Not only that, but with the constant interruption of external opinions and comparison traps, how could we hear ourselves clearly among all the noise? I didn't realize how much I missed writing until I tumbled back into the practice. Yes, my writing was really, awfully messy at first, and can still be quite challenging at times, but I think I am slowly getting back into my rhythm; however, that's beside the point. The point is, writing fills my cup, so I do it for me. If it one day becomes something greater than that, then that would be another gift of its own.

      
      

   2. Use social media as a tool rather than a form of 'escape.' You have no idea the effort I have poured into curating an intentional social media portfolio for myself. Yet, I have absolutely loved and appreciated the process. I honestly didn't want to completely delete all of social media, especially Pinterest and YouTube, because there is so much valuable and enjoyable information/content to be found. The trick here is to curate your portfolio or content "feed" to provide only relevant content/information for you, that way the value doesn't become washed out by aimless, low quality, or even personally harmful content. I suggest reducing who you follow and adjust your social media setting to receive/view only relevant content or content from who you follow only. Now, I only view content that contributes to my wellbeing and random curriculum. Additionally, I don't feel stressed or anxious from scrolling and I have found myself on devices less and less these days, but if I am looking for something in particular, I know exactly where to find it.

      
      

3. Again, intentional consumption

   1. Try to expand/diversify your media exposure from social media platforms and trending materials. Finding blogs related to your interests through Pinterest is a great way to start since the algorithm curates a personalized feed where you may easily save and access posts/blogs without having to sift through all the muck (or just materials that don't pertain to your situation/interests). I am also a strong advocate for supporting your public library! Simply spend an afternoon exploring different sections and grab a couple of books that spark your interest, bonus points if you've never heard of the book or author before. All materials are free so no harm no foul, so long as you treat the books with respect. You can pick as may books as you like and give them a try, if they don't strike your fancy then you can always find something different. If reading isn't your jam, well there are whole digital libraries of audiobooks and podcasts to indulge in. I personally love this form a media for long car trips where I can continue to learn, or enjoy a good story, without missing the view. There are even news platforms or email newsletters that filter bias and provide synapsis of global events (I cannot recommend my favorite source yet, but if you have any suggestions we would all appreciate the information!). By expanding and diversifying your media consumption, you begin to understand what you personally gravitate towards and may learn to discern your thoughts and options from those that are being pushed onto consumers through social media. I think diversifying your consumptions leads to broadening perspective and deepening constructive thinking and discernment based upon your values.

      
      

   2. Try new things and explore interests. The "you never know if you like it until you try it" statement is a cliche for a reason; it rings with truth. Approach this slowly over time and with an open mind. I for one, grew up with the insignia of being the "creative one;" however, I could never sit down to do any craft or hobby that seemed too slow paced or boring to me. I preferred to keep busy and work with my hands in a more labor intensive but gratifying way. It wasn't until later, when my health forced me to follow a slower paced lifestyle, that I found a new appreciation for such hobbies (I for one never imagined I would ever enjoy puzzles, yet here we are). Our lives change, but so do our interests and desires in life, so it only seems natural to continue exploring and venturing into different avenues. Take this as an opportunity to try something you've always wanted to, expand on interest you already have, or maybe even to approach unique activities that spark your curiosity.

      
      

4. Most important: take slow, small steps

   1. Meet yourself where you are while still moving past comfort zones. No one can expect themselves to change completely overnight, even so, there are many factors that are not fully in your control either. It seems to me that people often approach their goals as a fight against themselves and their nature, as if they could bully themselves into change. As I've stated before, it's not about becoming who you want to be, or about pushing yourself to become someone else, but rather remembering and growing into who you are. You will only be able to grow by working with yourself, not against. That being said, growth is also cultivated by [considerably] pushing beyond comfort zones, proving to yourself that you are capable and resilient. To achieve compassionate growth, work with where you are now and set reasonable markers to move towards.

      1. For example, I am finally trying to write my first book. Now, with where I am now, writing is still rather challenging and everyday differs significantly; therefore, I set a word count mile-marker for the month broken down by the day. Realistically, I know I will not be able to reach my set work count each day. Yet, my real goal is to simply write every day and to show up as my best (however that may look). By tracking what I am able to achieve by doing the best I am able, while still giving myself the space the enjoy the process, I am able to visibly see my progress and to adjust the following month accordingly to my realistic capability (i.e., 3,000 words in a day is too much for me at this point, but 500 to 1,500 words is much more realistic, while still encouraging me to push past my comfort zone while still inspiring me to write every day. Progress and repetition go hand in hand).

         1. Edited note: we also live in ebbs and flows like the seasons. I have been struggling with writing in general, but more so have faced serious resistance with writing my book. Instead of forcing myself into this goal, thus destroying the love I have for the practice, I'm taking a step back and approaching this season differently. This isn't giving up on a dream but giving it time to bloom. Remember to have grace with yourself as well :)

            
            

5. Use what is in you control and let everything else rest/be

   1. You may not be able to do/be 'x.y.z...' right now, but you can move in that direction in small ways. Again, this is all about meeting yourself while slowly moving towards your goals, yet this also serves as a reminder to focus only on what's in your control. You may not be responsible for your past or current situation, but it is your responsibility on what you do with it. Of course, I didn't imagine I would be back home at 23-years old, currently without a job and absolutely nowhere near the life I've always pictured, but it is my responsibility now with what I choose to do moving forward. We've all had to start somewhere, and life often is unpredictable with change being the only constant, yet that doesn't mean all of our dreams and goals have to sit on the back burner. So, what if I'm not living in Italy? That doesn't mean I can't start to learn the language and culture now for my future. So, what if I wasn't able to do the Peace Corps volunteer program in Argentina? That doesn't mean I can't find other ways to be connected to the community or to find purpose in something greater than myself. So, what if I'm not an author? I have to start somewhere, and no one publishes a first draft of any work. I can start now, meet myself where I am while still slowly moving towards my goals. I may not have the homestead I've always dreamed of, but I am gaining the skills and knowledge now through my small garden and flock of 4 chickens that will help me for that future goal. You are capable of great things; you simply need to start somewhere with what is in your control.

      
      

6. Question, be curious, and show up with...

   1. Grace, compassion, [self] devotion, and sit within the boredom. Sit with yourself, your thoughts, every day to begin to hear your 'voice.' By becoming in tune with who you are, how you think, and what drives you, you will begin to remember who you are and to recognize your 'why' behind everything. Give yourself the room to show yourself, and the world, who you are. I believe in you, and I hope you do too.